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The 2011 Fatso.co.nz 24-Hour Movie Marathon Report, Part 3

PART 10-A Night at the Panto

SUNDAY, 06:20-BLOOD

 

And so Andy Milligan makes his debut at the Auckland Marathon. (Another of his flicks, TORTURE DUNGEON apparently played Wellington a few years back) I’ve never seen a Milligan flick, but have heard a lot about his demented movies from various members of the B-Movie Crew. Andrew and Doug have read his biography, which indicates he was a deeply disturbed individual, who detested himself as much as everyone around him. BLOOD is “gateway Milligan”, one of his easier flicks to get into. But I’ll have to take their word for that.

My notes on BLOOD only say “Werewolves, vampires and Frankenstein, oh my!” and “Eyelid attack!”.

The eyelids were mine.

DIDN’T YOU HEAR had broken me. I have little clue as to what happened in BLOOD, watching it in a semi-conscious doze. Steven Chow claims he heard me snoring, although I rather suspect that was coming from Cherie. (Don’t deny it, I was three seats down from you and you were audible over the bass of TERROR!) I probably did drop off a couple of times, judging by how my neck felt afterwards, but even when I was awake, nothing made sense.

It didn’t help that Milligans jarring edits were making me doubt my own eyes. The main character turned into a werewolf one stage. For about ten seconds. When you’ve lost any sense of time, that shit messes with your head.

I do remember costumes and makeup that seemed to be more at home in an amateur production of “Jack and the Beanstalk” than a film. I had to fight the urge to shout “HE’S BEHIND YOU!” and “OH, YES HE IS!” If Bruce Forsythe had shown up as the Widow Twanky, I wouldn’t have been even slightly surprised. Milligans framing of scenes hurt, too. Characters would be standing side by side, delivering their dialogue more at the camera than each other. It was like trying to talk to someone with a lazy eye… you never know where you’re supposed to be looking..

Amazingly, this movie is only fifty-seven minutes long in its longest surviving print. There’s a LOT of crazy packed  into an hour.

And this is “mild” Milligan? Show me more!

INTERLUDE

SUNDAY, 07:30-ish-BREAKFAST!

 

Fooood!

It seems the older I get, the harder the pre-breakfast movie is. When I’m not nodding off, my mind is showing me a slideshow of fried pig parts, chicken embryos and sweet, sweet coffee. (Although a huge queue prevented me from hitting up the java stand this year. I had knocked back a double espresso in the night, of course.) I beat feet to Salvations Café’s breakfast delivery system in the lobby, fortifying myself with a Salmon Benedict Roll. An egg never tasted so good. Most of us got a little natural light in the street and dissected the flicks so far. Funnily enough, one film was the most discussed, while probably being the one the least people actually saw.

And none of us could say the title right. My brain kept converting the title from DIDN’T YOU HEAR to DIDN’T YOU KNOW, I HEAR YOU and on at least one occasion,  DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL.

I returned to the theatre for my Incredibly Strange TV shirt, finding it deserted. Well, until I noticed one of the stall-dwellers from the row behind me, somehow managing to sleep while wedged into his seat.

As the room began to fill up again, a beanbag next to me suddenly groaned and sat up. I thought I was hallucinating again. It was in fact Al, who’d pulled his usual trick of Beanbag Camouflage by sleeping face-down while encased in his hoodie. Next year I’m going to take a stick to prod every beanbag before I sit in it.

More DVD’s were given out, before we rolled into the first of the Final Four. (As it was pretty obvious we’d easily make 14 films, but hadn’t got a show of breaking the record this year.) Getcha motor running, it’s time to get out on a dusty, deserted highway.

Welcome to Australia!

PART 11: Demolition Derby, Outback Style!

SUNDAY 08: 30-FAIR GAME

 

You’ll be glad to know that this particular FAIR GAME  doesn’t involve William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford,  in any way , shape or form. In fact it’s a 1986 Australian action film, set in the sun-baked Outback. Which, as in most Aussie films, makes a film set in the present day still LOOK like a post-apocalyptic one. And like other Oz-sploitation flicks of the 80’s eschews talk for action. And has lots of stunt work that requires a combination of steel-balled bravery and Darwin-tempting idiocy. A early truck-to-car-to-truck transfer  wouldn’t have looked out of place in the last fifteen minutes of MAD MAX II.

FAIR GAME has a fairly simple storyline, and is all the better for that. A young woman living alone in an isolated wildlife preserve runs afoul of three bored and mean-spirited kangaroo hunters. Lifelong friendships are NOT formed as a result. Things go downhill a rapid clip as the poachers target their not-as-helpless-as-they-thought victim, ratcheting up the abuse and harassment until a property-value lowering conclusion turns into the smallest, dustiest, most intimate civil war of the 1980’s.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the plot in a nutshell. Like MAD MAX and it’s spawn, there’s large chunks of the film with very little dialogue. The cars and motorcycles and the massive 4x4 nicknamed “The Beast” become the stars of the show at times, although the tiny cast makes their parts memorable for all the right reasons. (Especially David Sandford as the psycho of the trio, Ringo, who I thought was doing his own stunts. Closer examination of the flicks trailer seems to prove otherwise.)

There’s plenty of exploitation elements, including an essential-to-the-plot (No, honestly!) nude scene that ranks pretty high on my personal “Sexist Bastard List of Impressive Ass Shots”. A later scene, as actress Cassandra Delaney as hogtied topless to the bonnet of The Beast, was impressive in it’s sleaziness. But once again, in the context of the films escalating intensity, I think it worked quite well. Either that or BLACK VENGEANCE had simply made me numb to anything less sleazy than a Midget Snuff film.

By the end of the film, the rousing (if slightly McGuyver-ish) finale had woken we right back up. I had enjoyed FAIR GAME a lot, and even better, it’s available on DVD! Well, on TradeMe at least. Oddly, it’s not on Fatso.Com. Yet.

Go get it, Steve!

Man, I’m racing through the plots of these later movies, huh? It’s almost like there’s something coming up I can’t wait to start talking about…

(Foreshadowing, foreshadowing!)

 

Part 11-Pleased to meet ya, hope you guessed my Clay!

SUNDAY, 10:100-EQUINOX

“Is this it?” you ask. “Is THIS the film you’re dying to talk about?”. Well, no. This is the film that’s been worrying me since I started typing on Sunday night. The film high on charm and camp value, but with a plot so thin you could read a newspaper through it if you held it up to the light. The film that gave Old-School FX nerds like me a warm fuzzy feeling, while still giving me something to laugh at. The film that looked like it had been soaking in plum juice since the late 90’s or so.

Yep, this was faded to an eye-watering scarlet, with frames missing at random intervals in the first third of the picture. The effect was like that of listening to a CD that your puppy had treated as a chew-toy, with wor/cuitt/ng/o/middl/f/sences giving me the aural equivalent of whiplash. Research (Read: The internet) has told me that this flick started off a student film, with extra scenes filmed and added in a few years later for the drive-in set. I think our print had been to QUITE a few drive-ins in the last 40 years.

 In the back of my mind, I knew I’d heard about EQUINOX, but couldn’t place it in my sleep-deprived state. The opening scenes didn’t ring any bells, as our Hero and Smooth-Voiced Narrator, David (Who was either being dubbed, or had the looks of a Soda Jerk and the Voice of an Atlantic City Lounge Crooner) dashed through woods in what appeared to be a 5K Geek Run. Dashing into the road, he tries to wave down a car… A car with no driver at the wheel! (Unless you count the one we can see in the long shots) Dave quickly does his best imitation of a hood ornament, and is left lying unconscious in the road.

Coming just a month after Glenn hit us with THE CAR, a 70’s Killer Car flick that should be much more well know than it is, this scene was like meeting an old friend. Darren had been in line for coffee when the flick started, and sat down thinking we WERE seeing THE CAR. (By the way, Ant… if you need a flick for next year, you could do worse than THE CAR. Hint, hint. And indeed, honk, honk.)

We head to the local nuthouse, where Dave has been committed since his outbreak of Bumper Gymnastics. A reporter has come to talk to him, but he’s completely catatonic, clutching a crucifix the same way I was clinging to my last can of V. Since he’s not going to be able to narrate in that state, the rest of the movie is a flashback triggered by the playing of his only interview before the Woollen Cardigan of his Psyche unravelled completely.

This meant that the opening we had seen was actually the ending, and we’d just flashed back to the beginning of the film, which then had a flashback inside the flashback, which then ended back at the start of the film, which ended with a “The End?” title card.

Dear INCEPTION. You’re adorable. Love, EQUINOX.

We now knew that David was the sole survivor of a group of friends who had headed into the woods, looking for his old college Professor. But the doomed trio were in no way the type of cardboard cut-outs that pass for characters in modern “Spam in the Cabin” horrors. While the two female characters were kind of underwritten, being 1968, Dave’s friend Jim more made up for them. I assume he was supposed to be the Comic Relief, but I soon dubbed him “The Comic Relief Douchebag”. Rarely have I heard someone spend so much time bagging the female leads for the unforgivable crime of, well… being girls!

Seriously, every second line out of his mouth was in same way related to the fact that chicks are weak, slow, chatty creatures , put upon the earth to get in his way. Darren and I were in stitches at some of the most good-natured misogyny of the night. Yes, it appeared the main message of the 2011 Marathon was “Guys are Dorks”. Sorry, ladies. Blame it on the Y Chromosome.

Or the fact we kind of act like dorks.  

Once in the woods, the group run into another character that elevates this film into high camp. A park ranger named “Asmodeus”. Yes, “Asmodeus”. Apparently Sheriff Beelzebub and Deputy Satan-Lord-Of-Darkness had the week off. Asmodeus rides into most shots on his stallion, looking like a 70’s Marboro cigarette advert come to life. He also has an.. unusual.. speech patt.. ern. But he’s not evil, or nothing. I mean, considering he’s the Prince of Lies and all.

Our plucky (and in some scenes, strangely old)  college students make it to Professor McGuffin’s  cabin, only to discover it’s been destroyed. It’s not that big of a loss, as they’d never fit in it, being a cute little miniature. Later on we flashback to the destruction of cabin, in glorious, not-quite-Harryhausen-quality stop-motion. Nothing makes me happier than flailing Plasticine tentacles at 10:30 am.

After running into Park Ranger Brimstone-breath, the group wanders around for a while, encountering what appears to be an inexplicable medieval castle. Someone call the tourist office, I think you need to update your guidebooks! Later they discover the regions famous Cave of Hilarity. Here they’re gifted with the Proto-Nomicon by the caves’ curator, Giggling Harry McShabbyguy. His insane cackling was infectious, doubly so when you’re tripping out on caffeine, sugar and DIDN’T YOU HEAR…?

And then…

Ummm..

All right, confession time. Due to work and child-rearing commitments, it’s now a full week since the Marathon. I’ve been typing three hour per night once the kid is asleep, trying to get this thing finished. I just passed 15, 000 words, and I still have to go back and finish my stupidly-long recap of ELIMINATORS. And guess what?

I have no idea of the sequence of events in this movie. I’m not sure if the characters found the Cave of Hilarity before or after the Inexplicable Castle. I can’t remember where the flashback to C’thulus Home Renovations was in relation to the Flying Stop-Motion Satans first appearance was. I don’t recall which of the Interchangeable Useless Chicks was killed off first, and what happened to Park Ranger Lucifer. (Although I’m sure David’s crucifix was involved.) All I can remember clearly is the second reel having a burnt-in pattern that looked like fluttering green butterflies. This was oddly relaxing.

Maybe it was me, maybe it was the film. Maybe it was Satan.

It was probably me. The flick was entertaining, if a little muddled. The stop-motion effects were charming, if on a par with a talented kids Super-8 production. The ending raised a good laugh, especially with the aforementioned “THE END?” card.

But frankly, I think I’m going to have to abandon any thoughts of a  coherent recap and just sum up… EQUINOX is a cute time-waster with a an earnest cast, the likes of which we don’t get in the sea of mediocrity that crowds DVD shop shelves these days.

 I know, I’m showing my age and turning into a pussy. So I’ll just leave this here and move on.

I don't even remember this scene!

Ant and his right-hand man Jeff ran one final round of games and contests before the penultimate flick. The first was the “AND and AND” game, where contestants won a spot on stage by guessing an movie acronym. Doug and I both got on stage, even though I now honestly can’t remember the flick I named. (And I didn’t even know it, only having to fill in the last obvious word after multiple clues were given by Jeff.) Once up there, we had to name films with names that were in the format “*someone* and *someone else*”.  Easy concept, yeah? How many can you name right now? Dozens, right? THELMA AND LOUISE, BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, TURNER AND HOOCH?

I came up with one, TANGO AND CASH, before my brain went blank. I wasn’t alone.

Only after twenty hours of flicks could a bunch of movie geeks fail to think of movie titles. After exactly two rounds, all but two of us was out. Even Doug couldn’t come up with a second title. Walking off-stage, clutching my consolation prize of a SMOKING ACES/LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS DVD, I immediately thought of half-a-dozen. Thanks, brain.

Doug and I were only half-way back to our beanbags when the next contest was announced… the classic “Imitate Your Favourite Character” contest, for a massive 20-DVD pack. There was no preliminary contest for this, just the first ten people who wanted to get onstage. Doug and I looked at other. Doug shouted “Can we enter again?”, getting no response. We shrugged and hightailed it back up the steps.

The final line-up of contestants held a number of Marathon Heavyweights. Improviser and bringer-of-awesome Andrew Todd, 2010 rap-off runner-up Rappin’ Jesus and Doug, who tore the place down with his winning imitation of Lester/Caleb back in ’07. I had planned on imitating Fishninja from ELIMINATORS, as years of watching Godfrey Ho movies had my “Ninja Run” pretty well dialled in. And then it happened.

FLYING RAPPIN’ JESUS FISHNIJA!

 Yes, I was one-upped by Rappin’ Jessus, who took his life (and beard) in his hands by taking a flying leap across the hard wooden stage to imitate Fishninja in the “Ventilation Shaft Entry” scene. The crowd went wild, and I was screwed. Luckily, I was last in line, and had a few seconds to pick again. I had just decided on Mandroid when Andrew unleashed his best Slim Pickens in the “He bite yer tittles?” scene. Massive reaction. This contest was over.

 To double my pain, Doug had also picked Mandroid, delivering a slightly underplayed reading of “Looks like YOU who needs  bodywork!”. (That’s probably the only time the words “Mandroid” and “Underplayed” were used in the same sentence.) Going for the comedy option, I rolled (literally) with Mandroid, in the “This is my Mobile Unit” bit. Taking three tottering steps across the stage, I slowly toppled sideways. Lying twitching on the stage, I was pleasantly surprised at the reaction. It almost made up for the fact that my right elbow took the brunt of the fall, erasing a nice patch of skin.

The audience voted with applause, and despite the fact I still thought Andrew had won, the judges (ie. Ant and Jeff) were split between the two of us. As they conferred, Andrew and I began mock-sparring. Jeff,  ever the fan of bloodsports, decreed that we should decide the prize by fighting to the death for the amusement of the crowd. We didn’t need much prompting. I’m not sure if it amused or horrified the crowd, but we both stripped to the waist, with Andrew trash-talking me in the Voice of Slim Pickens the whole time.

Now trusting myself to out-improvise an improviser, I channelled my inner Ralph Macchio and busted out the worlds shittiest Crane, then slipped into Fishninja Mode. Seconds later, Andrew took me out with a well-aimed pantomime “tomata” to the face.

The contest was declared a draw, and we split the prize 50/50. I may have got both the best and worst half of the deal, as one of my DVD’s was a multi-disc set of every NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movie. (Yay, I can watch the series devolve into self parody all over again! And then save itself with NEW NIGHTMARE!) I also won RUBBER, 2001, FULL METAL JACKET, A CLOCKWORK ORANGE and a selection of new horror I haven’t seen before.

I’m a happy geek.

At the conclusion of the silliness, Andrew and I re-donned our shirts, much to the relief of any women there, I assume. Ant told us to strap it in for some “Five-Star Trash”, a rare designation only reserved for flicks the calibre of LADY TERMINATOR. That’s a hard act to follow, what with snakes in odd places, going-kicked corpses and the Magnificent Mullet of Snake. Could this flick even HOPE to reach those fabled heights?

PART 13-Nnajs+New Wave=AWESOME!

SUNDAY 11:30-MIAMI CONNECTION

 

Oh, fuck yes.

I had never seen this movie, or even heard of it. But twenty minutes in, I knew I would have to own it. I was fooling myself, obviously. A flick this obscure couldn’t have a DVD release, especially not in New Zealand, where the price to get it classified would have been way more than they could ever hope to make from it.

I had it six days later. Thank you Internet.  

And so, without further ado, let’s check out our Five-Star Trash Classic. A movie I think will be able to watch a million times and never, EVER get bored with it. A movie that had the audience howling with laughter, despite not actually being a comedy. A movie that should be known as the TROLL 2 of martial arts movies. Bring it on, MIAMI CONNECTION!

**Hey, the soundtracks going “Tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka”.. I have a sneaking suspicion that this flick was made in the 1980’s!

**Five seconds in, someone yelled “MIAMI CONNECTION! WHOOO!” I’ll probably make that same reaction noise at the same spot for the next forty years or so.

**”Somewhere in Miami”, huh? Fine, by coy movie!

**It’s a convention of Panama Hat salesmen!

**Oh wait, it’s a drug-deal. In Miami. In the 80’s. Is this a documentary?

**RANDOM BIKIE GANG!

**Holy shit, Chunk grew up to be a drug-dealer!

**This is a weirdly multi-racial drug gang.

**I tawt I taw a ninja!

**I DID, I DID taw a ninja!

**A snow-ninja, at that. Dude… it’s Miami!

**”Man, thees is some gooood icing sugar, Mang!”

**Dude, one taste of the merchandise, please. You just cost your cartel abut 800 bucks with that double-dip.

**NINJA ATTACK!

**Nice spin-move… this drug-dealer must have been one the dancers in the “Smooth Criminal” segment of MOONWALKER.

**”Annie are you okaMY FACE!”

**Fun fact: Machine guns are less effective than arrows.

**Lamest rolling attack since KRULL!

**Can I make the “He disarmed him!” joke again? It’s been like, 8 years! Nope, still too soon, huh?

**Big laugh for the guy who apparently fell into a Black Hole.

**NINJAS ON BIKES! I love this movie already!

**Random thunderclap! We made a running theme without even trying.

**”Where’s MUDDY!? WHERE’S MARTY?!” What? Oh, you mean MONEY? I think this film ran out about four minutes into the shoot.

**That master Ninja sounds like the Asiatic Frank Stallone.

**Is that thunderclap still going?

**THEME TUNE!

**Are they singing the plot?

**Starring Y.K Kim. Oh, THAT guy!

**Worst air guitar seen since I was six and playing a tennis racquet to “I Was Made For Loving You”

**Story ALSO by Y.K Kim. And he produced it. This is going to be good.

**’Hi, dude! My ninjas stole some cocaine. But my most important questions is why you’re dressed like Gay Guevara?”

**We’re in the hottest nightclub in Central Florida. Look, it attracts New-Agers, guys with porn-‘staches, bra-less women( RUNNING THEME!) and Mufti Ninjas!

**And here’s our Heroes, Dragon Sound! Moviedoms greatest Tae-kwon-do rock bands!

**Hey, is this the theme song again?

**Nope, it’s called “Friends” It uses the word “friends” more often than I type “Flicks”. And that’s a lot.

**Could someone buy this band a bunch of shirts?

**Gay Guevara’s sisters Jane is in the band! What a plot development!

**Hey, is that lead singer Hall or Oates?

**Man, I hope Y.K Kim is better at martial arts than his is at playing the guitar. Or clapping in time. Or, y’know, clapping. (I swear he MISSES at one stage.)

**Y.K, stop taking your guitar off mid-song. (Did they edit out his tae-kwon-do moves?)

**SHIRTLESS GUITAR SOLO!

**Now stop putting your guitar back on!

**FRIENDS! We’re FRIENDS! FRIENDS FOREVER! Did I mention we’re FRIENDS!

**Yay, the song is over. ENCORE!

**We faded out… is it over?

**Oh my God, she’s learning BASIC!

**10 PRINT WE’RE FRIENDS FOREVER

**20 GOTO 10

**This class just placed 4th in the International BASIC Programming Contest. Doug proudly informed  me his alma mater was third. My only boast is reprogramming a random phrase generator on my VIC-20 to spout obscenities.

**”Hey, nice circle!”. Huge laugh.

**Goofy-ass Bass Player arrives to make childish faces at Jane. She’s besotted with him. Women had low standards in ‘87. So longs as your jacket sleeves were well-rolled, you’re in!

**Jane gives a long speech on her estranged, drug-dealing brother while they walk on campus, nearly getting drowned out by the ambient noise. Her mild reaction to her parents death was hilarious.

**Enter the gayest-looking gang since the Pink Angels. Sample looks, Gay Geuvaras camo-pants and white high-tops ensemble, the Notre Dame Bodybuilder, the overweight Bikie and Anorexic Axl Rose.

**Hi, enormous Boom Microphone!”

**”Hi, I’m a gay revolutionary. Meet my fist!”

**Man, I though Liz was overly antagonistic.

**Y.K Kim speaks his first lines. It’s not so much broken English as “Disintegrated”.

**Wait, are we introducing another gang?

**Oh, It’s another BAND! Who know kung-fu.

**Overlapping shouting match! Are we improvising, or was this seriously the best take?

**He’s a Kung-Fu Klub Owner! Only in Miami.

**Hey, we’re on the set of ENTER THE DRAGON!

**NINJA RUN!

**Nice conservatory. Fully furnished with ninjas, too.

**Diner scene, with dialogue almost as good as PULP FICTION. “Tatses good? “Tastes good!” *nod, nod, nod* *Silence* *fade out*

**Another musical number, AGAINST THE NINJAS! With a fist-pumping chorus!

**Did she make that outfit out of my living room net curtains?

****We will sing the plot/ And foreshadow too/AGAINST THE NINJA! *fistpump*

**”Clapping is HARD!” *miss*

**Miami’s Hottest Nightclub has 40 patrons.

**Bitchin’ Mullety Guitar Solo!

**Indoor fireworks! Call OSH!

**Y.K almost falls over leaping into a convertible. Bruce Lee he ain’t.

**Either this is a slow car chase, or a really fast funeral procession.

**Are they on the set of STREETS OF FIRE?

**It’s a Drive-by Shouting!

**Hey, it’s the Other Band!  And thirty people. I think the club patrons want their money back.

**Y.K gets another line of dialogue. This is a mistake. Sometimes dubbing is a GOOD thing, movie.

**Drive-By Beer-ing!

**Tae-Kwon Do breaks out! All the bad guys attack singly, as is only polite.

**Y.K finally does something he’s good at… yelling and kicking people.

**BASS PLAYER FU!

**Dude, the idea of a weapon is you aim it AT your opponent. Not in the general vicinity of him

**Shirtless keyboard player!

**Oh, God, shirtless everybody! Get some groupies, please! It’s way too gay in here.

**Long dramatic scene coming up as Keyboard Player busts out his “Lost Father” story. While crying. Fun Fact: He’s not an actor.

**He could be a comedian, judging by the audience reaction. (I thought the PSA winners were going to laugh themselves in a hernia.)

**Y.K “I thought we were all.. Or Pan!” Huh? Oh, orphans, got it. Man, and I thought ATTACK THE BLOCK might need subtitles.

**Dude, please stop emoting. Please!

**”Friends Forever” ENCORE! YES!

**NIPPLE SHOT!

**The band feigns an interest in bikini-clad women. You’re not fooling anybody, boys.

**They’re cruising the beach in their Wish-We-Were-Hetero-Mobile!

**We get a shot of a “Nudist Christian Church” banner. What the fuck is wrong with Miami?

**Holy shit, he tried to sexually molest Julliette Lewis!

 **Run! Run from the scantily-clad women!

** Bass Player and his main squeeze frolic in the surf. It’s like “From Here to Ickternity”!

**Look, a fat Patrick Swayze!

**The Unnamed Band recruit Gay Guevara!

**”Get my job back and any money I make is yours!” Wait, did you think this through? Would you like to talk to your accountant first?

**TRAINING MONTAGE!

**Drummer Guy shows off his skills of getting beaten up by Y.K! It’s a living, I supposed.

**”Am I in position? Okay, hit me. Quickly, it might look staged, otherwise,”

**Slow-downed knife-kwon-do. This might become relevant later, one assumes.

**”I got your nose!”

**Oh God, they’re giving Jack the Drummer a dialogue scene.. and he’s the worst. Actor. In the mo-ho-ovie. I think. He’s like a stutt..ering Shat. Ner.

**Don’t let’ Y.K make a speech!

 **Look, the cast of RENT is eating at the bands favourite diner.

**Hey’ don’t dine-and-dash an old Korean man. You’ll be sorrrr-y!

**Oh, God, could that guys short shorts be any.. shorter? And tighter?

**What is this films deal with giving speeches to people who don’t speak more than nine words of English?

**”Five guys in the band, with one shirt between them.

**Jeff, AKA Gay Guevara hangs out in a  gym, full of sweaty, bearded men. Now THERE’s a surprise.

**Blown line! Another blown line! Three in a row! You go, Jeff! Fuck the Method!

**Nu-Wave music covers up the dialogue. Best idea the director ever made.

**Ooh, a trainyard rumble.. a staple of bad martial arts movies for over thirty years!

**Was that Gary Busey attacking the bands car? Psst, wrong movie Gary!

**Actually, this movie could USE a little Busey. As you were, Gary!

**Axl Roses’s shirt must have exploded at some stage.

**Guys, you invited martial artists to an ambush, and no-one brought a GUN? It’s 1980’s Miami, you could probably buy one out of a vending machine!

**That guy just smashed his own face into a train. Probably what happened to the scriptwriter.

**Anorexic Axl tries to bury himself like a groundhog. Then does a little dance. He’s awesome.

**Hey, this universe DOES have police in it!

**The exact same type of police as in RAPPIN’! “Where did they go? Who cares, let’s go!”.

**Why was that cop so Canadian?

**Great, we’re filming at an ACTUAL bikie rally. Head Ninja somehow fails to fit in.

**GRAUITOUS UGLY BOOB SHOT!

**Che’s gang pull up. Look, Hells Pussies have arrived!

**Meanwhile, back at Dragon Sound’s pad, everyone practises the art of Eschewing Shirts.

**”I’m writing a new song.. it’s called “Where Did Those Ninjas From the Start of the Film Go?”. We should play it soon!”

**MAIL CALL! I hope we get another moving pathos scene!

**Another day, another diner.

**Oh no, they’re Kidnapping Hall! Or Oates. Or whoever the lead singer is trying to be.

**Gay Geuvara drinks Coors Light. Even his BOOZE is kind of gay.

**Hall/Oates gets hogtied to a scaffold. Did this just turn into a MAD MAX rip-off?

**The guards get taken out with Weak-Ass-Fu. I think Morgana could hit harder.

**Look, if you stand in the huge spotlight, you have to expect to get kicked in the face.

**Y.K kicks ass by the power of shonky editing!

**Keyboard Player Guy has the most pansy-assed Martial Arts Scream I’ve ever heard. It’s the “Oh, no you di’int!” of screams.

**Gay Geuvara takes the big fall, with additional echo chamber effects. Bye dude.. you were fun!

**”Boss, your brother Jeff is dead!” Wait, what? Unless you mean “Brother in arms”, that’s odd, seeing as he’s white and you’re Korean. And if he WAS your brother, then Jane’s your sister and oh God my head just exploded.

**”HE WILL NOT ESCAPE THE MIAMI NINJA!” I’m thinking of getting that tattooed on some part of my body.

**Ninja Training Montage!”

**Oh, look.. mail! I hope it’s a mail-order shirt catalogue!”

**My Father! MY FATHER! *voice escalates eight octaves* I FOUND MY FATHER!* *glass shatters*

**Slow-mo scene! If they’d freeze-framed on the Keyboard player pumping his fist in the air, I wouldn’t have complained about the short running time.

**Is this the “getting ready for the prom” montage from every John Hughes movie?

**Wow, this scene is so heart-warming and life-affirming. I hope nothing bad happens to anyone now they’re all so happy.

**Hugs all round! Manly ones, of course.

**And the Ninjas are back! Yayyyy!

**On motorcycles. In Miami. In broad daylight. I want to marry this movie.

**”Oh. Ninjas”. BEST. LINE. EVER.

**And he delivered it like the ninjas were minor road works slowing him down.

**”Quick, into the tiniest patch of Everglades we could find!”

**HIGHEST-PITCHED SCREAM EVER!

**JEFFFFFF! JEFFFF! Jeffjeffjeffjeffjeff!

**Jeff.

**Oh no, they pissed off a Bass Player!

**ARRRGHGHHHH!

**ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

**ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!**

**Bass Player Guy gets sliced in the back by a guy six feet behind him! What the hell?

**SHIRTLESS PISSED-OFF BASS PLAYER!

**Oh, dear Lord I just realised they’re playing a dramatic, slowed down synth version of “Friends Forever”. My night is complete.

**That is one ANGRY Bass Player. No bass player should be able to show that much emotion.

**White Ninja vs. Y.K! It’s be a Fractured English-Off!

**He’s got a knife! I wonder?

**Will it pay off?

** Hooray, closure!

**Freeze-Frame! Great movIT’S STILL GOING!

**He didn’t survive, did he?

**YES! And his bizarrely younger-than-he-is father has arrived! Too bad his spilled all that talcum powder in his hair.

**FREEZE-FRAME!

**Best Gag ever: The final credit “ONLY THROUGH THE ELIMINATION OF VIOLENCE CAN WE ACHIEVE WORLD PEACE.” Ballsy touch, Movie.

And we’re done.

Greatest movie of 1987.

I returned to the stalls for the final film. My stomach ached from laugher. Or so I thought at the time. It actually ached off and on for a week. And then I did an ill-advised imitation of my Mandroid stunt fall while talking about the Marathon. Now it REALLY aches, seeing as I must have either pulled a muscle, or tweaked the hell out of the site of my appendix operation. Or possibly both.

There’s a reason doctors don’t advise you to take up stunt work right after an operation, folks. One of these days I have to remember that I’m 38 fucking years old and stop doing stupid shit like that.

I can’t see it happening, mind you.

And so, the final DVD’s were flung into the crowd and  the curtains opened for the last time in 2011. And Dave Brough was suddenly a very happy man.

PART 14-How to get a Head in College

SUNDAY 13:20-REANIMATOR

 

I have a very soft spot for REANIMATOR. It was film I watched on VHS back in the 80’s and 90’s. I’ve probably only seen it 3 times, but as I mentioned in a previous review, it did lead to a viewing of the sequel, BRIDE OF REANIMATOR… with my church Youth Group. I picked it. Our Youth Leader was kind of awesome. Being a horror movie, that movie also was the night I had my first instance of platonic, but still enjoyable snuggling under a blanket with a member of the opposite sex.

It’s a weird choice for a “date movie”, but it worked for me.

But the original is Dave Brough’s favourite movie of all time. And he did of course erupt with a joyful cry of “It’s REANIMATOR! WOOHOO!” the moment the very first scene faded up. (Much like I did in the first 6/10ths of a second of COMMANDO)

It did fade up without sound, of course. The audio glitch was sorted out within two minutes, although not before someone brought the house down by dubbing all the actors.

I’m not going to recap REANIMATOR. You’ve probably seen it already. If you haven’t seen it already, then see it. Dave will probably have a copy he’ll be willing to show you, Possibly more than one. It’s a great watch.

Unless you like cats.

SUNDAY, 15:00(ish)

THE AFTERMATH

 

And so 2011 was in the books. We cleaned up and stumbled outside to the Hollywood’s steps for the usual post-‘Thon final chat and dispersal. Dawn showed up around 20 minutes or so after I phoned home, meaning I was one of the last to leave as usual. Which I like, as there’s always someone you run into that you just didn’t get to hang out with during the show.

We invited Darren back to Chez Skeeter for  a post-show roast chicken dinner. (Mmm.. real food!) The early start time meant we had time to chill out and gainour thirteenth wind. As well as comb my DVD collection for something we could use as a no-brainer “warm down” film. C’mon down, THE MUMMY!

After a good dinner and much mindless Brendan Fraser frivolity later, Darren headed home. Sensibly, I decided to stay up and start writing this review. At around 10pm, I wrote a paragraph that was 98% total gibberish, and called it a night.

Hello bed. I missed you.

 

The Final Thoughts

Solid, solid line-up. Several films have been added to my “Must Own” list, as well as one to my “Don ‘t Rewatch this. Ever” list. (A much smaller list, really) Ant had said this year was all about him, not us. But in fourteen films, there was very little for genre fans to complain about. DIDN’T YOU HEAR was the “Breaking Point” flick most people, but that being said, elicited the most discussion as well. Marathons aren’t supposed to be easy, or everyone would do it.

Another year that proves to me that Ant could keep programming these for years to come, and still have such sights to show us.  

Just not all on 35mm, sad to say.

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November 2011

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